Relationships

A few years ago I reunited with college friends for a weekend of fun and catching up. We were three single guys so you would expect that we would happily drink and chase girls the entire weekend. However, a very interesting thing occurred, we were at dinner and got into a conversation about relationships. I want to share with you some of our insights because I think it can be helpful to both single people as well as folks already in relationships.

The general idea we had was that relationships either have two 'net producers', two 'parasites' or a combination of the two. Only relationships with two net producers can last for an extended period of time. Relationships with a combination of both will eventually fizzle and relationships with two parasites are doomed before they start.

A healthy relationship has two people that are both bringing something to the affiliation i.e net producers. All too often relationships are built on a system where one person does all the work for the relationship and the other person benefits but contributes very little and in some cases nothing at all (parasitic relationship). The net producer usually is contributing monetarily, emotionally and in several other aspects. These relationships are bound to fail simply because the net producer will eventually grow tired of the unfair arrangement.

That leads us to the idea that individuals should look for compliments to themselves. They should choose to pair with someone who can offer them something they may be lacking. In return they should also be able to provide the other person something that person may desire. This arrangement is most likely to result in a happier union. Both people will feel invested in the relationship but will also feel as though they are reaping returns on their relational investment.

Relationships that are one sided, ones that we have dubbed to be parasitic will have one partner latches on to the other. They will then begin to extract everything from their partner until there is nothing left (figuratively dead) or the partners realizes and decides to leave. Usually the net producer has provided all the financial, emotional and social support in the relationship. A rational person can see how this may not be a sustainable situation; but it is important to note that the parasite may not see it quite this way. They will most likely be shocked at the demise of the relationship or perhaps in some instances they are aware but do not care. In either regard, please be aware of these parasitic relationships.

Relationships that include two net producers are much healthier. One partner may provide emotional support, while the other may offer the financial means. This is a much truer partnership. Both individuals know their worth but are also fully aware of the expectations placed upon them. Most often these two people grow together and achieve quite a great deal. They appreciate their partner for their efforts and are willing to work hard to ensure the other individual also feels equally supported and secure (the negative inverse is often mistaken for love in a parasitic relationship).

In order to asses if you or your partner are net producers you can asks some very simple questions:

• Will this person offer something I currently lack (and vice versa)?

• Will I be better off, in the long run, by getting into this relationship? --- This is important because while a union might reap short term benefits it may not have long term sustainability (think prostitution as an extreme case)

• If either of you stopped contributing to the relationship would it actually affect your circumstances? (this doesn’t include health issues or temporary unemployment etc.) -- the answer to this should be yes if you are in a healthy relationship.

If you answer no to any of these you may be a parasite.

How do you become a net producer?

It is critically important to maintain your independence in a relationship. Your life shouldn’t necessarily become the other person’s life and vice versa. While you may inevitably want to spend all your time with your partner, it may be wise to take some time off for you. Go out with the girls or do a weekend away alone. Maintaining your freedom will actually make you appreciate the relationship more. If your partner complains this may be a red flag that they have a dependence on you that is unhealthy or as we have stated it parasitic (this is also another trait that is commonly mistaken for love) Your girlfriend calling and yelling at you for not being home because it’s Friday night is very different from her calling you and saying she just made a bubble bath and picked up a bottle of wine. One is expectant and the other is suggestive.

You, your spouse and the relationship are all three separate but equal forces. A healthy relationship seeks to nourish these three areas which all need their own attention. While you should take time for yourself, you should also make time for your partner. There will be times where you should be happy to do things that are of no benefit to you because but it is important you partner. Going to that work event where you don’t know anyone and pretending that you are happy is not disingenuous if it means your partner will benefit from it. While we suggest you should be selfish it is equally important to be selfless.

The relationship itself should be treated like a bank. You and your partner should make regular deposits to it. Whatever you can contribute money, security, happiness, inspiration you should put that into the relationship. When you need to make a withdrawal then you should feel free to do so. However there should be an understanding that what is in it is in the bank is not unlimited. The longer and stronger the relationship the more that will be available just like any investment portfolio.

Why draw out this analogy? We want to make one critical point. The individual is not where you get your strength! That is parasitic approach. To expect that you get your strength from you partner places an undue expectation on that person. Instead envision that you are leaning on the “relationship”, the thing that you two of you built, for the times when you need it. Imagine that you know how much you have invested and you know that you don’t want to deplete the entire bank. This also means that you are also leaning on yourself because you too invested in this relationship bank. Isn’t this a much fairer approach? The idea of scarcity usually makes us a bit more appreciative of how we use things. The same logic can be applied to relationships.

So remember I told you I was with three single guys? Despite this insightful conversation, we still made it to the club in time to get a few drinks and give our numbers to women, who will almost certainly never call us.

#Love #relationship #marriage #single #couple #dating